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| Ashley and Mocha when she was in the North Kansas City Intensive Care Unit directly after her car accident. |
Waking Up
It's easy to take the little things in life for granted. After all, we expect the little stuff to stay little. We as a society take life's daily rituals for granted. I know, I know, that sounds cliche, but it's true. I know I used to take several things for granted. For example: I expected to always be able to go to the store by myself.
I also expected to be able to fly and go on vacation by myself, to take a simple walk in the park by myself, and to take a relaxing shower by myself. You're supposed to be able to do these by yourself! I know that I personally expected these daily tasks to always be easy.....that is until I almost lost the ability to do all of those things on my own.
The story I'm about to tell you was a very difficult and emotional time in my life, and I want to say thank you to all of my loved ones for helping me through it, especially my amazing Fiance Zachary Buckler and my loving service pup Mocha. So I’ll start with the first thing I remember. The first thing I remember was waking up...
I also expected to be able to fly and go on vacation by myself, to take a simple walk in the park by myself, and to take a relaxing shower by myself. You're supposed to be able to do these by yourself! I know that I personally expected these daily tasks to always be easy.....that is until I almost lost the ability to do all of those things on my own.
The story I'm about to tell you was a very difficult and emotional time in my life, and I want to say thank you to all of my loved ones for helping me through it, especially my amazing Fiance Zachary Buckler and my loving service pup Mocha. So I’ll start with the first thing I remember. The first thing I remember was waking up...
Staying conscious was a fight in itself. It was a surreal experience waking up in the North Kansas City hospital with my Mom and Grandma looking over me. Most of my memories from the hospital are hazy at best, but I do recall my first moments of being conscious. One of them (I don't remember which) asked, "Ash do you know where you are?"
My response is exactly the type of response you would expect from a patient in the Intensive Care Unit. That is, it sounded like a less than half hearted "naa-huu." How was I supposed to know where I was?!? How could I know? I had been lying unconscious in a hospital bed for three days! Mom and Grandma followed that up with another question, "Do you remember what happened?" Again, I had absolutely no idea why I was in a hospital bed!
I couldn't ignore it. The emotions I was previously able to control now openly flowed through me. They openly expressed themselves to the world. In many instances they still do. At that moment in the hospital, with fear conquering my body, my reactions became instinctual. My thoughts were based purely on emotion, and fear controlled my emotions. I wanted to combat that fear with love and comfort. I wanted to be surrounded by the only three things in the world that made me feel safe. So, I asked for my three security blankets. I asked for my fiance, my engagement ring, and my seven pound pup, Mocha.
I wanted the ring because it means the world to me. It means the man of my dreams and my best friend is going to spend forever with me. I wanted my fiance so he could come and hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay no matter what happened. Lastly, I wanted Mocha because she is my best friend and my fur-baby. Thankfully, they quickly brought all three to my bedside. Then they explained why I was where I was...
My response is exactly the type of response you would expect from a patient in the Intensive Care Unit. That is, it sounded like a less than half hearted "naa-huu." How was I supposed to know where I was?!? How could I know? I had been lying unconscious in a hospital bed for three days! Mom and Grandma followed that up with another question, "Do you remember what happened?" Again, I had absolutely no idea why I was in a hospital bed!
The Emotions Were Overwhelming...
To be honest I still don't remember much of anything. What I do remember, was the emotions. There were so many of them. I felt them racing through my body. I can still feel the panic swimming through my veins. More than anything though, I remember Fear. Absolute Overwhelming Fear. The fear took control. It took its ugly and nasty roots, and permanently planted them deep into my brain. Right into my temporal lobe(the part of the brain that controls emotions). The Fear dominated my awareness.I couldn't ignore it. The emotions I was previously able to control now openly flowed through me. They openly expressed themselves to the world. In many instances they still do. At that moment in the hospital, with fear conquering my body, my reactions became instinctual. My thoughts were based purely on emotion, and fear controlled my emotions. I wanted to combat that fear with love and comfort. I wanted to be surrounded by the only three things in the world that made me feel safe. So, I asked for my three security blankets. I asked for my fiance, my engagement ring, and my seven pound pup, Mocha.
I wanted the ring because it means the world to me. It means the man of my dreams and my best friend is going to spend forever with me. I wanted my fiance so he could come and hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay no matter what happened. Lastly, I wanted Mocha because she is my best friend and my fur-baby. Thankfully, they quickly brought all three to my bedside. Then they explained why I was where I was...
My Driver Side Door Hit A Tree At 70 MPH...
Thanksgiving night 2016 I was in an extremely terrible car accident. It was just Mocha and myself. We hit a patch of black ice and spun out of control. My driver side door hit a tree at 70 mph. The medical report actually says “Human vs. Tree,” followed by the speed I hit the tree at. The car’s frame wrapped itself around the tree. My window shattered. Pieces of glass freely flew through the air. Incredibly, Mocha made it out unscathed…...I wasn't so lucky. |
| 2000 Toyota Corolla that Ashley was in when she wrapped it around a tree at over 55 MPH |
Severely injured, an ambulance sped me to North Kansas City hospital....marked as a fatality. I was marked as a fatality because no one should have been able to survive that wreck. As you’ll be able to see in the picture the car was obliterated. I shouldn’t be alive, none-the-less walking.
I guess it's a good thing that I've never been too good at listening to what others tell me to do! Even once I was at the hospital the medical staff wasn’t sure if I'd make it.
The medical report was bad, which I suppose is an upgrade from the previous fatality listing. When I hit the tree I shattered the left side of my skull causing two brain contusions. I broke my pelvis in three places, and I had glass stuck in my skull. They wouldn't find the glass for a couple of days. All of these were accompanied along by several "minor" injuries. Long story short, I'm very lucky to be able to write this up today.
It feels like somebody permanently took away my filter. I can't hide what I feel, and I can't stop the reactions to those emotions. Knowing I may never function the same way I did before the wreck scares me, especially since I'm only 21. That's a fear I have to live with. Despite all of the negative, I am extremely fortunate. I am incredibly lucky to have my Fiance Zachary and my dog Mocha. They continue to help me through my journey. They keep on loving and supporting me. They are my safety nets.
She was the only person in my life who acted like nothing had changed, and I needed that feeling of comfort. She gives me emotional stability. It didn't matter what happened or what was said, she loved me the same. She stayed by my side when we were on the side of the highway directly after the wreck, she stayed next to me for days in my hospital bed, she was with me at my in-patient rehab up in Nebraska, and Mocha remains by my side now that I am back home.
Now, back at home I still struggle with many things I used to take for granted. Going to stores alone is nerve wracking, and being able to maintain control of my emotions is a daily fight. A normal experience that should be fun like going to Florida, was just plain stressful. Now when I go into public alone, I freeze up and have had panic attacks. I don't know how to react to people when I'm alone. That's why I needed Mocha as my service dog.
Having a service dog has made a night and day difference in my life. Mocha's unending love allows me to do all of the "little" things I used to take for granted. She gives me a renewed sense of independence. With her, I am able to go to my doctors appointments.
I guess it's a good thing that I've never been too good at listening to what others tell me to do! Even once I was at the hospital the medical staff wasn’t sure if I'd make it.
The medical report was bad, which I suppose is an upgrade from the previous fatality listing. When I hit the tree I shattered the left side of my skull causing two brain contusions. I broke my pelvis in three places, and I had glass stuck in my skull. They wouldn't find the glass for a couple of days. All of these were accompanied along by several "minor" injuries. Long story short, I'm very lucky to be able to write this up today.
It's A Weird Feeling Knowing You Can't Control Something You Used to...
I was eventually told I injured the temporal lobe in my brain. The temporal lobe is the section of your brain that controls your emotions. This explained why the Fear was so overwhelming. The damage to my temporal lobe is the reason why I continue to struggle for control of my emotions today. It's a weird feeling knowing you can't control something that you used to be able to. I know why my emotions are doing what they're doing, and I know that many of my decisions don't make much logical sense.It feels like somebody permanently took away my filter. I can't hide what I feel, and I can't stop the reactions to those emotions. Knowing I may never function the same way I did before the wreck scares me, especially since I'm only 21. That's a fear I have to live with. Despite all of the negative, I am extremely fortunate. I am incredibly lucky to have my Fiance Zachary and my dog Mocha. They continue to help me through my journey. They keep on loving and supporting me. They are my safety nets.
She Gives Me Emotional Stability...
Shortly after my accident I decided to keep my safety net on me at all times, so I talked to the doctor about having Mocha as a service dog. She's a truly amazing pet, and I love her with all of my heart. I also love how she never looked at me differently. Everyone’s love and support was amazing, but having someone treat me the same as before was also important.She was the only person in my life who acted like nothing had changed, and I needed that feeling of comfort. She gives me emotional stability. It didn't matter what happened or what was said, she loved me the same. She stayed by my side when we were on the side of the highway directly after the wreck, she stayed next to me for days in my hospital bed, she was with me at my in-patient rehab up in Nebraska, and Mocha remains by my side now that I am back home.
Now, back at home I still struggle with many things I used to take for granted. Going to stores alone is nerve wracking, and being able to maintain control of my emotions is a daily fight. A normal experience that should be fun like going to Florida, was just plain stressful. Now when I go into public alone, I freeze up and have had panic attacks. I don't know how to react to people when I'm alone. That's why I needed Mocha as my service dog.
She Reminds Me I'm Not Alone
Mocha helps me through everything by reminding me I'm not alone. To me she symbolizes everyone's love and support. As little as this may seem, it makes a HUGE difference for me. When the P.T.S.D. kicks in and my emotions start to overwhelm me, my little furry safety net senses the difference. She'll come up and nudge at my hand. She pulls my full attention to her. She helps me avoid the feelings of fear and panic. Mocha's ability to sense how I feel may seem small, but it means the world to me. Mocha's ability to change my panic and fear into love and comfort has improved my quality of life repeatedly.Having a service dog has made a night and day difference in my life. Mocha's unending love allows me to do all of the "little" things I used to take for granted. She gives me a renewed sense of independence. With her, I am able to go to my doctors appointments.
I Will Improve and Become Even Better...
I can go buy supplies at the grocery store or I can just go shop if I feel like getting out of the house. Mocha's love has given me the support and love I needed to get a piece of myself back from before my accident. I understand and have accepted that I will never be the same person I was before my accident. That's OK though. With Mocha as my Service dog, I won't just make the most of my circumstances, I will improve and even become better than I was before!
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